I swear I am not making this up.

A short while ago, the U.S. House of Representatives considered (and passed) legislation that would ban abortions after 20 weeks.   They picked 20 weeks because all of a sudden the anti-abortion movement has come to a consensus that at 20 weeks the fetus can feel pain.  Not 22 weeks, not 19.5 weeks.   Nope, at twenty weeks the litter critter can feel pain.  Case closed.

During the debate, Texas Congressman Michael Burgess stood up to deliver an impassioned defense of the bill.  He is anti-abortion right down the line and so he could be counted on to toe the anti-abortion line all the way.   He did – and he went a few steps further.

You see, at one point he was trying to demonstrate his intricate knowledge of when the fetus can feel pain.  No, he’s not a doctor but, uh, well he’s a legislator so that makes him qualified to opine on this subject that has confounded the experts for years.  In arguing that the fetus can feel pain at that point, he actually said this.   I mean, get ready, this is an exact quote from a man who has been elected by tens of thousands of people back in his home state.  He said:   “If they are a male baby they may have a hand between their legs.  If they feel pleasure, why can’t they feel pain?”

Yep.   He really said that.   No, don’t laugh.  I’m being totally serious.   This is what an elected official from the great state of Texas said in the United States House of Representatives.  This is the level to which the discourse on abortion has sunk.  We are now talking about trying to protect masturbating fetuses.

Now, I wanna try to be objective here.  Those of have been reading my blog for years know that I am very pro-choice but there are times when I question the messages and motives of the pro-choice movement.  I try to keep an open mind on the work of the crisis pregnancy centers, I defend the right of anti-abortion protestors to stand in front of a clinic, I cringe at the thought of an abortion on a viable fetus unless there are extenuating circumstances.   I basically try to see both sides and, yes, that approach has gotten me into hot water.   So, once again, I’m gonna try to  understand Congressman Burgess’ views.

So, my first question in my quest for the truth is what exactly is the object of the fetus’ fantasy?   I mean, you guys especially know that you’re not just sitting there when the ole dip stick suddenly comes up like a periscope in a submarine, right?   Nine times out of ten you were thinking of something or, more likely, someone. Or you may have been thumbing through the latest edition of People, in that section where they have the candid shots of Demi Moore or Jessica Alba romping on the beach at Cannes in a skin tight bikini.  C’mon, admit it boys.  Let go of that Catholic guilt.

So, what is this fetus thinking about when it grabs its teeny weenie microscopic weiner?  Oh, wait a second, can the fetus even think at that point?  If so, is it thinking about that embryo in that other uterus that will become the next movie starlet?

You may think I have lost my mind but this is a serious line of inquiry.   All across the country, anti-abortion legislators are enacting laws that ban abortion after 20 weeks.  They are doing so because they are convinced that fetuses can feel pain at 20 weeks so they’re trying to protect them from that discomfort.  Oh, sure, they don’t mind if thousands of volts of electricity are being zapped into that murderer on death row.  No.  That’s different, right?    But that itty bitty wittle baby in that other person’s body needs to be protected because we now know that it feels pain because, as Congressman Burgess has shown, it can also feel its mojo.

As Captain Kirk used to say:   Scotty, beam me up!